What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 01:59
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot live in the past .
I write beautiful poetry .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She loved him until the end.
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I have no regrets .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We all went to grammer schools
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He resisted the act ,that day.
I said to her
How do you respond to "I don't like you anymore"?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So whats the point in blame.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why does my mom never wear underwear?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was scared of men, in general
When she asked me how she looked .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She found it foreign!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My life is so biszare .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I will be 64.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Would this be the day?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Who then, do I blame.?
She was in good health!
She married twice! .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I could never make a relationship work though!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Comes on , in middle age.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
What did i know ?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But it wasn’t much.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im still living with it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
(And it was in our own minds.)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Ive learnt so much.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I never cut or harmed myself..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
This is soul school!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was seconnd youngest,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I couldn’t, believe it.
We were not on the streets..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He knew the spot.
I think the readers, may guess!
I don,t even have a pension.
She wouldn,t have been !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
It was going to be , some day.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I waited trembling.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was very sick at this time too.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But ive been too sick for many years..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My family never makes their pension either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So, i spoilt her more .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Put me off passion for life!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
All the time i was locked up.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But, we were locked up after school.
And i lived it daily.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.